Today I spoke with a nurse at the medical center that does the termination. While I felt a sense of comfort in getting the answers that I sought about the overall procedure and what is to be expected, I find myself with more internal questions. If we go through with this, are we bad parents? Have we failed to truly follow God's plan? Am I going to be cursed with some kind of bad karma that will affect my chances of a future healthy pregnancy? These are the the kind of thoughts that tear me up inside. All Keith and I ultimately want to do is save our child from any pain and suffering. Is it selfish that we also want to save ourselves from this? I struggle with feeling like we're making a decision that benefits us more than our child, but I know in my heart that this isn't the case.
Like I've said, we still haven't made a definite choice. We still go back and forth at times, discussing what feels right for us. If you could just pray with us that I can find answers to my questions, as well as come to a definite conclusion within the next few days, I would really appreciate it. For now I guess it's time to try and get some sleep and hopefully get my mind off things, at least until the morning.