Friday, March 26, 2010

An Appointment Made, Then Cancelled

I had mentioned on Tuesday that I called the doctor's office in Overland Park that does pregnancy terminations. Keith and I were still at a point where we kept going back and forth about what we should do. On Wednesday I actually called and made an appointment. The only reason I made it so soon is because we were still on the fence and running out of time. I figured I could always back out of it, but if we waited too long it might be too late to do it. The appointment was set for next Thursday and Friday. Because I'm so far along, they would have to give me something Thursday afternoon to help me start dilating, and then I'd go in Friday morning for the procedure. I can't tell you how sick to my stomach I felt while I was on the phone making that appointment. Afterwards I had printed off some of the registration/consent forms and began filling them out. Then I got to the "Past Pregnancy History" section. Since this is my first pregnancy, I put "0" next to everything such as C-Sections, Live Births, Miscarriages, etc. It hit me when I got to the Elective Abortions line. I realized that I could put "0" right now, but I'd never be able to that again. That means that if I get pregnant again and have to fill out paperwork for a regular OB-Gyn visit, I'd have to put a "1" on that line. I didn't think I could live with that.

Wednesday night as I went to bed I began to feel a knot in the pit of my stomach. I thought about how a week from now I'd be preparing to go and terminate my preganancy. End my baby's life. I woke up on Thursday and read some more of the emails that people had sent me. Like I said before, their messages about God choosing us as this child's parents and how He would get us through anything really began to hit me. I suddenly felt like I knew what our answer was. We would continue this pregnancy. We had to.

When Keith got home from work last night, I talked to him about what I was feeling. He revealed to me that he too had been thinking about that during the day. He said he just felt sick to think about ending the pregnancy. Although he's also worried about what's to come, he said he knows we would never regret letting this pregnancy getting as far as it can. Then he pointed out something else to me that I hadn't even realized. Being that I'm currently not working, my sense of days of the week/dates is somewhat blurred. He brought it to my attention that next Friday is Good Friday. GOOD FRIDAY. Not only would that name be a complete contradiction to how we would feel about it, but it's a Catholic holiday!! How in the world could I do something so awful on a day like that?

Keith and I decided at that moment that we would go forward with this together. He said something that is so true: "It's the easiest choice we can make, but the hardest road to go down." While we feel the anxiety in our stomachs temporarily lifted after making our decision, we know it will be back throughout this journey. But we also know that we have a lot of faith and support that will help us get through it.

Today the nurse who had made my appointment called me. She asked if I could come in Thursday morning instead of the afternoon. I told her that we had changed our mind and decided to continue with the pregnancy. She was very kind and understanding and actually told me that if I ever needed anything, even just to talk, I could call back. That kind of took me by surprise. But I guess it shouldn't since everyone I've spoken to in the last 2 weeks has offered me the same.

So I guess the whole point of this post is to inform you of our decision to go on with the pregnancy. Am I scared out of my wits? Yes. Am I going to let that control me? No. I ask that you continue to pray with us that we can remain at peace as we face whatever hurdles lie ahead. Here's a piece of scripture that my friend Stacey shared with me that I think is perfect for the theme of this blog:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4