On Saturday morning we had Ethan’s memorial service. It was heartbreaking for me, but I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful way to honor his life. I was overwhelmed by how many people attended. The outpouring of love and support shown to us was amazing. The priest who married Keith and I officiated the service, and he did a wonderful job. We concluded with a balloon release. We had balloons that represented the love that we were sending up to Ethan in heaven. On the count of three we released them together. The balloons slowly made their way up to the sky together in one large bunch, never separating. It was breathtaking.
We headed back to Independence this morning, and it was surreal to think that exactly a week ago we were doing the same thing. So much has changed in that time. One Saturday I am home for a baby shower, and the next I’m there for a funeral service. It’s so strange to think about. I find myself going back and forth between emotions. The first, of course, is sadness. And to be honest, I feel like I miss my pregnancy almost more than the baby himself. I think it’s because I had eight months with him inside of me, verses just one day with him after he was born. I miss feeling his movements, and knowing that I was taking care of him. My pregnancy also represents a time of hopefulness for me, and now I no longer have that. I find myself forgetting at times that I’m not still pregnant. It will probably take some time for me to adjust to that.
On the other hand, I also feel a sense of relief. No longer do we have the fear and anxiety that has plagued us at various points during my pregnancy. I was supposed to have another ultrasound this Thursday, and I know that I would have dreaded it. Who knows what negative or scary things we might have heard. I also don’t have to fear labor and delivery or what was going to happen afterwards. Now there is a sense of closure, that God’s will has been done. We can finally begin traveling the road to healing.
I’m going to end this post with a picture from the balloon release. It’s such a peaceful and beautiful image.
Sending lots of love up to Ethan.