These past few days I've found myself thinking, rather dreaming, about what I would be doing right now if this were a normal pregnancy. Just a few months ago I was so excited to find out the sex of our baby so that I could jump into full-on planning mode. But of course that's when the diagnosis of Trisomy 13 was made, and all preparations went on indefinite hold. So I haven't ordered baby furniture. I haven't bought baby clothes. Haven't registered for gifts or decorated a nursery. Instead I have an empty spare bedroom with a few items that people have given me. That has me feeling down. After all, isn’t the best part of a pregnancy supposed to be the planning and purchasing of cute little baby things? It stings to realize that I haven’t yet felt that I could do that. There’s kind of a struggle going on between my head and my heart. My heart feels hopeful that Ethan could come home with us, and feels that by not preparing anything, I’m not truly keeping that faith. My head (which controls that superstitious part of me) feels that if I buy anything I will be tempting fate. Which leads me to believe that I would rather be unprepared and have Ethan come home with us than have the opposite occur. I’ve had mothers tell me that they chose to go ahead and buy a crib and some small items, if nothing else than as keepsakes or to use in a future pregnancy. I can certainly understand that, and may in fact do the same. But man, it sure is hard. I mean, you’re supposed to buy things for your baby, not simply to remember him or her by. I guess that’s the roughest part of this journey- feeling a bit robbed of some of the typical joyful experiences of pregnancy.
I’ve had so many people tell me how much they admire my strength and positive attitude. I strive to remain positive every day, and for the most part I am. But I’d be lying if I didn’t reveal the painful thoughts and feelings I have as well. And lately there just seems to be more of them.
So, thank you for reading this and essentially listening to me vent. I will be sure to let you know if or what baby purchase we decide to make. As always, I continue to appreciate your thoughts and prayers.