Friday, August 6, 2010


I can’t believe it’s already been over 4 weeks since Ethan was born. I have to say that I am handling this situation better than I imagined that I would. I thought that I might become closed off, have trouble getting out of bed, or avoid people. I thought that I would generally lose my spirit. I’ve found, though, that I feel pretty good. Sure, I have my moments of breakdown. My heart still hurts. But it isn’t as bad as I had anticipated. Perhaps it’s because I mourned the potential loss of Ethan so many times that when it actually happened, I was more prepared. I think I’d be feeling much worse right now if this had been an unexpected loss. We knew for months that there was a possibility that Ethan might not make it. Does that make the pain any less? No, not really. But it does take away some of the shock that can make it hard to begin the grieving process. Speaking of that, Keith and I decided (okay I decided, he just agreed to it ) that we should join a grief recovery group that was being offered at our church. It is a 12 week program, and last Tuesday was the first meeting. Initially I kind of debated joining because I have been feeling so strong lately that I didn’t necessarily think this would benefit me. But after listening to the facilitator speak and reading some chapters from our book, I’ve realized that I still am experiencing grief. It may not be outwardly obvious, but I am. I think this program will be good for me to not only deal with my grief over this loss, but also give me the tools to handle future losses that I will experience. And hopefully it will help me to better offer support to someone else experiencing a loss.
I decided this week that I am ready to go back to work. Originally I was planning on taking 6 weeks off, returning the week of August 16th. However, I’ve been feeling physically well and am getting sick of sitting around at home. So I’m going back this Monday. I think it will be good for me to get back into a normal routine again. I’ve missed the people I work with, who have been so supportive during all of this. I can’t say the same for TripTik routings, though! I tried to tell them that the doctor told me not to do TripTiks for awhile, but I don’t think that’s going to work…:) Those are our map routes that we do for customers. I was just beginning (key word beginning) to get the hang of them before I left, so I’m afraid I’ll be a little rusty! But I guess I’ll just have to get used to doing them again.
Thank you for all of the prayers and support you’ve all given to us as we grieve and begin to heal. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on how we’re doing, especially with the grief recovery program.



  1. ashley,
    i am saying a special prayer for you on your due date. i know this day will bring some emotions along with it- i just want you to know that you are NEVER alone in this.
    Our heavenly father has you deep in his hands, covered, sheltered, and caressed.

  2. Ashley,
    I was so sorry to read that Ethan had passed. You both have been in my prayers for so long! I know Ethan is now with His Creator, who is the great Healer and is making all things new! I will be praying for you as you grieve this great loss. I too am going through the Grief Share program and it is really helpful. One thing I have learned about grief is that it is very sneaky. One minute you think it is gone and then it comes back in a wave. Please continue attending this group with your husband because it will get you through those 'waves'. Praying for you! -Katie

  3. I am so glad to see that you posted an update. I have been thinking of you often lately, and wondering how you were doing. =) I'm glad that things are going well for you, and that you have found some peace and support.

  4. Ashley--
    I found your blog through the Living with Trisomy website. My daughter, Emma, was born in June 2008 with full Trisomy 13 and like your Ethan, was born already an angel. I wanted to say how precious Ethan is and what an amazing story he has written! Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do! I actually live in Lincoln, so would am fairly close by.

    Tamara Gavin