Where Is the Time Going?!

That's what I keep asking myself. I thought that after Ethan's passing, with no more doctor's appointments every two weeks, time might seem to slow down a bit. But yet here it is, late August already! It's been a few weeks since my last posting, so here's a brief recap of what's been happening.

First, Keith and I have been attending the Grief Recovery program offered through our church. We've been to 3 meetings so far, and it is going well. It is nice to get a chance to connect with others in our community. This program has helped me to realize that there are many emotions involved in the grief process, and every loss experience is different. I'm learning that there is no "right" way to grieve, and no definite time period in which it should be completed. Reactions to loss are unique to the person experiencing them, and therefore cannot be compared with anyone else’s. I'm glad that we decided to join this program, and I think it will continue to benefit us in the weeks to come.

We also celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary, which was August 8th. We decided to go to the Bob Dylan concert the night before, which was held at Starlight Theatre in KC (an outdoor venue). As we were listening to the opening act, Keith pointed out a man who was walking towards us. He thought looked an awful lot like Harrison Ford. I turned my head to look, and confirmed that it was indeed him. That’s right folks, Mr. Indiana Jones himself was at the concert! Talk about random! We spotted him a second time walking to the concession area and I attempted to take a quick photo from afar. But unfortunately my flash was too delayed, and instead I got a picture of a brick pillar that he was passing behind. Darn you, Canon! Overall it was a good time and we’d only wished we’d known about Starlight earlier (before the end of its season). I love outdoor concerts, so hopefully there will be some good ones to go to next summer!

Lastly, I had my 6th week post-partum checkup on Thursday. It went well and things seem to be healing as they should. My doctor was again very supportive, and we talked about the prospect of Keith and I trying again in the future. He advised us to wait until my body and hormones have gotten a chance to get back to normal. Trying too soon can have an increased risk of miscarriage. I keep going back and forth between wanting to try again as soon as we can, and wanting to avoid it as long as possible. Right now the emotions from our last pregnancy are still there, and the fear of something happening again is quite strong. However, I also know that I very much long to have a child. Not to replace Ethan (as no baby ever could), but to share our love and his legacy with. But I know that to some degree it’s out of my hands, so all I can do right now is be patient and see what happens in the months to come.

So that’s our last few weeks in a nutshell (For some reason whenever I use that phrase I think of Austin Powers saying, "No, this is me in a nutshell! Help, I'm in a nutshell!" Okay, moving on...) Thanks for continuing to read our blog, and stay tuned for a possible name change. I’ve been pondering this for awhile, since “Baby Hoff” is a really vague name, and now this blog is about more than just that. Hopefully I’ll make a decision on this soon.

Hope everyone has a great week!

Love,
Ashley

Grieving

I can’t believe it’s already been over 4 weeks since Ethan was born. I have to say that I am handling this situation better than I imagined that I would. I thought that I might become closed off, have trouble getting out of bed, or avoid people. I thought that I would generally lose my spirit. I’ve found, though, that I feel pretty good. Sure, I have my moments of breakdown. My heart still hurts. But it isn’t as bad as I had anticipated. Perhaps it’s because I mourned the potential loss of Ethan so many times that when it actually happened, I was more prepared. I think I’d be feeling much worse right now if this had been an unexpected loss. We knew for months that there was a possibility that Ethan might not make it. Does that make the pain any less? No, not really. But it does take away some of the shock that can make it hard to begin the grieving process. Speaking of that, Keith and I decided (okay I decided, he just agreed to it ) that we should join a grief recovery group that was being offered at our church. It is a 12 week program, and last Tuesday was the first meeting. Initially I kind of debated joining because I have been feeling so strong lately that I didn’t necessarily think this would benefit me. But after listening to the facilitator speak and reading some chapters from our book, I’ve realized that I still am experiencing grief. It may not be outwardly obvious, but I am. I think this program will be good for me to not only deal with my grief over this loss, but also give me the tools to handle future losses that I will experience. And hopefully it will help me to better offer support to someone else experiencing a loss.
I decided this week that I am ready to go back to work. Originally I was planning on taking 6 weeks off, returning the week of August 16th. However, I’ve been feeling physically well and am getting sick of sitting around at home. So I’m going back this Monday. I think it will be good for me to get back into a normal routine again. I’ve missed the people I work with, who have been so supportive during all of this. I can’t say the same for TripTik routings, though! I tried to tell them that the doctor told me not to do TripTiks for awhile, but I don’t think that’s going to work…:) Those are our map routes that we do for customers. I was just beginning (key word beginning) to get the hang of them before I left, so I’m afraid I’ll be a little rusty! But I guess I’ll just have to get used to doing them again.
Thank you for all of the prayers and support you’ve all given to us as we grieve and begin to heal. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on how we’re doing, especially with the grief recovery program.

Love,
Ashley