Tonight was the first time that Keith and I purchased some things for Ethan. We were at Target, and I suggested that we go look at their baby stuff and maybe get a few small items. We first looked at onesies, which was kind of hard because we're not sure what his belly will be like if he has surgery done to repair the abdominal wall defect. So we decided on a few of the gowns, thinking they might be easier to put on him. We continued to browse, and then it happened. The tears led a sneak attack on me. At first my eyes watered just a little, and then before I knew it I was sobbing silently so as to avoid making a scene. There were so many mixed emotions that I felt: fear that he may never use these items; hopefulenss that he will; anger that this situation is even happening to us. I think what hurts the most is that there wasn't much joy in this shopping trip. To be honest with you, it kind of just sucked. Rather than anxiously picking out every cute item I could find like I imagined I would, I merely grabbed a few basic necessities to have on hand "just in case." We only ended up buying 2 packages of gowns, a few flannel blankets, burp cloths, and a package of socks. How pathetic is that? I'm not sure if or when we'll buy other bigger items like a car seat, stroller, etc. I think we'll just play things by ear for now and see how we feel as we get closer. Right now I don't feel strong enough emotionally to do it.
I said several weeks ago that I would let you know if we made any purchases, and that is why I posted this. And of course I will let you know if we decide to get anything more. If you could pray that Ethan does get to use these items, and that God will send me signals that it's okay to go out and buy more things, I would really appreciate it.