Today's Thoughts and Feelings

Every so often for the past few weeks I would feel a sort of "bubbly" feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I would feel it here and there and think, "Was that the baby, or just a muscle spasm or gas?" People who've had a baby would tell me that was the first sign of its little movements. I couldn't wait until I would finally get to feel the stronger rumblings that I would definitely know were from the baby. Yesterday was the first time that I started to notice more of a frequent feeling. Everytime I sit or lay down, I start to feel those little bubblies. I wish I could say it made me feel really excited, but it actually made me feel a little sad and guilty. Because I am still wrestling with my choices, I almost didn't want to feel him. Is that horrible to say? It was like I just wanted to forget that he was still down there living and moving while I contemplated whether or not I would continue with the pregnancy.

Today I feel more comforted by his movements. It's reassuring to me that he's still there. I called the genetic counselor and the perinatologist today to see if I could get more information about the general outlook for my pregnancy, as well as if the perinatologist had detected anything wrong with the heart or the brain. Unfortunately, she told me that she couldn't detect that quite yet. I know that there will likely be an abnormality with his brain, but I just hope that his little heart is spared. As of last week his heartbeat sounded so good, so strong. Only time will tell if it is in okay shape. Neither person could give me a solid statement or percentage of what the outlook would be. The genetic counselor told me that it really is a baby-by-baby situation. She did say, though, that while it's in the womb the baby would be relying on me for a majority of its survival. That gives me some hope that maybe I could carry him through this. However, the perinatologist also told me that in one of her books it simply stated that most prengnacies with Trisomy 13 end in miscarriage. But that doesn't mean they ALL do. Should I look at this from the glass half-empty or half-full perspective?

I feel like my biggest fear in continuing the pregnancy is what will happen between now and birth. If someone could tell me that he would without a doubt or most likely make it to term, I would have no reservations in moving forward. I know what the prognosis is after birth, but I guess I'm just afraid of what will happen if he doesn't make it to that point. I know I'd have to go through labor and I just wonder if I'd be in a lot of pain. It sounds so stupid, but I'm such a scaredy cat of all things medical. I've never even gone through having my wisdom teeth pulled, so you can imagine how gung-ho I am about the thought of giving birth! I guess it seems much more tolerable when you think about the reward that you get in the end. Sometimes I just wish my reward could be like everyone else's.

So many people have told me that God gives you the hurdles that He knows you can make it through. That He will give you the strength to overcome whatever obstacles you encounter. I'm starting to really take those statements to heart. I also read yesterday that most miscarriages in the first trimester are due to a chromosonal abnormality. I never knew that before. It starts to make me think about how my baby somehow made it past that time frame, when he had all of the odds against him. Can he continue to do it for the rest of this pregnancy? I very much would hope so.

If the expression "food for thought" is true, then my mind should be obese by now from all that it has taken in.

Love,
Ashley