New Contact Info

Hello friends,

I've changed my email address, which is now updated in the "Contact Me" section. I want to make sure that all of the wonderful people I've met through my blog have the new address so that we can keep in touch!

Hope you're having a great week!

Love,
Ashley

Plenty To Be Thankful For

I cannot believe that another Thanksgiving is drawing to a close. Today was the first family gathering of the holiday season, and it’s felt rather bittersweet to me. While I certainly have very much to be grateful for, there is also a sadness within my heart. My mind has been bouncing between thoughts of what was and what could have been. I found out I was pregnant just before Christmas last year and (according to my calculations) it appears that it was right around this time that Ethan was beginning to form in my belly. It seems so crazy to think that I had no clue this little miracle was taking place inside of me! Once we knew we were expecting, my mind automatically fast-forwarded a year, and I pictured us celebrating our baby’s first holidays. But we’re not doing that. And who knows when we will. Sometimes I feel like we’re “back at square one” so to speak. We had 35 glorious weeks with our Ethan, and though he is now our angel, we have no physical children. On the surface, things are like they were a year ago-just the two of us. And I find that frustrating. Patience is a virtue that I must admit I lack a bit of, but this is one situation in which I must muster all that I have. It is not in my control if or when we conceive again. I must be patient and hope that if it’s God’s will for us to be parents again it will happen. It’s hard sometimes to maintain that hope and faith, but a recent tragedy has given me more perspective on this. A few weeks ago a family friend was in a very severe car accident. Her name is Amber, and she was a grade younger than me in school. Her mom babysat my brother and me, so we knew her family well. And unfortunately, this is not the first time they’ve faced such a scenario. They lost their youngest daughter in a car accident a few years ago. To think of their family enduring such pain again breaks my heart. But, by the grace of God, Amber has made remarkable progress since her accident. Her father and brother have been keeping a blog that is documenting this progress. What struck me today while reading her brother’s post was when he talked about trusting in the Lord and His plans for us. It can be easy to doubt Him and harbor anger when we are presented with painful events in our life. He made a great point about how at times we can be devastated when God’s plan differs from our own, or when we feel our prayers go unanswered. The statement that stays with me from his post is that “God works for the good in our agony.”
So instead of focusing on what I would like for God to give us, or resenting what I feel He has not, I will turn my attention to what we have already been blessed with: Wonderful, supportive families. Great friends. A home. Our health. Our jobs. Each other. And I couldn’t forget the doggies (though some days I wouldn’t exactly refer to them as “blessings”).

I hope that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that you have much to be thankful for. If you would, please keep Amber and her family in your prayers, that she will (in whatever amount of time it takes) make a full recovery- physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I suppose I should wrap this up for now. I’ve got to get some rest for tomorrow’s shopping expeditions! It should be interesting…and hopefully I won’t regret venturing out into the madness that is Black Friday!

Love,
Ashley

Happy Halloween!

From Charley...



...And Wendell







Love,
Ashley

With Gratitude

I haven't yet posted a much-deserved thank you to our family and friends who so generously donated to Ethan's memorial fund. We were honored to be able to make donations to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and Hope for Trisomy 13 & 18. These charitable organizations extended to us such compassionate services and keepsakes that we are forever grateful for. It is our hope that they can use these donations to do the same for another family facing a similiar situation.

There is a memorial page on the Hope for Trisomy 13 & 18 page that pays tribute to Ethan and acknowledges each person who donated on his behalf. Here is the link if you'd like to view it:
http://www.hopefortrisomy13and18.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=47

Again, we say THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts.

Love,
Ashley

Time For A Change

After a few weeks of thinking about (and forgetting) a new title for my blog, I've finally made a decision. I chose this one because I feel that in so many ways Ethan has impacted me. My faith, my relationships, my outlook on life and overall being have been enriched by him and this experience. I don't think I'm a completely different person than I was a year ago; but rather a more "enhanced" version of myself. My priorities have shifted. My perspective has been altered. Things I used to think were so important now seem petty. Things I used to take for granted I now appreciate. I’m not saying that I’ve been transformed into Mother Teresa or anything. But I do think that I have become a better person than I was before.

What started as a blog to inform you about Ethan has now become one that honors and remembers him. I have met many wonderful people in the past several months, and this blog has so much to do with that. I hope that it can still be a source of comfort, insight, and faith to other moms out there. Particularly those who have, are, or will be carrying a baby with a terminal diagnosis.

I haven’t been so good about posting on a regular basis, partly because I haven’t felt that I’ve too many interesting things to say. However, I will be continuing to blog and I hope that you will continue reading as I share with you my life. A life that has been enriched.

Love,
Ashley

Where Is the Time Going?!

That's what I keep asking myself. I thought that after Ethan's passing, with no more doctor's appointments every two weeks, time might seem to slow down a bit. But yet here it is, late August already! It's been a few weeks since my last posting, so here's a brief recap of what's been happening.

First, Keith and I have been attending the Grief Recovery program offered through our church. We've been to 3 meetings so far, and it is going well. It is nice to get a chance to connect with others in our community. This program has helped me to realize that there are many emotions involved in the grief process, and every loss experience is different. I'm learning that there is no "right" way to grieve, and no definite time period in which it should be completed. Reactions to loss are unique to the person experiencing them, and therefore cannot be compared with anyone else’s. I'm glad that we decided to join this program, and I think it will continue to benefit us in the weeks to come.

We also celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary, which was August 8th. We decided to go to the Bob Dylan concert the night before, which was held at Starlight Theatre in KC (an outdoor venue). As we were listening to the opening act, Keith pointed out a man who was walking towards us. He thought looked an awful lot like Harrison Ford. I turned my head to look, and confirmed that it was indeed him. That’s right folks, Mr. Indiana Jones himself was at the concert! Talk about random! We spotted him a second time walking to the concession area and I attempted to take a quick photo from afar. But unfortunately my flash was too delayed, and instead I got a picture of a brick pillar that he was passing behind. Darn you, Canon! Overall it was a good time and we’d only wished we’d known about Starlight earlier (before the end of its season). I love outdoor concerts, so hopefully there will be some good ones to go to next summer!

Lastly, I had my 6th week post-partum checkup on Thursday. It went well and things seem to be healing as they should. My doctor was again very supportive, and we talked about the prospect of Keith and I trying again in the future. He advised us to wait until my body and hormones have gotten a chance to get back to normal. Trying too soon can have an increased risk of miscarriage. I keep going back and forth between wanting to try again as soon as we can, and wanting to avoid it as long as possible. Right now the emotions from our last pregnancy are still there, and the fear of something happening again is quite strong. However, I also know that I very much long to have a child. Not to replace Ethan (as no baby ever could), but to share our love and his legacy with. But I know that to some degree it’s out of my hands, so all I can do right now is be patient and see what happens in the months to come.

So that’s our last few weeks in a nutshell (For some reason whenever I use that phrase I think of Austin Powers saying, "No, this is me in a nutshell! Help, I'm in a nutshell!" Okay, moving on...) Thanks for continuing to read our blog, and stay tuned for a possible name change. I’ve been pondering this for awhile, since “Baby Hoff” is a really vague name, and now this blog is about more than just that. Hopefully I’ll make a decision on this soon.

Hope everyone has a great week!

Love,
Ashley

Grieving

I can’t believe it’s already been over 4 weeks since Ethan was born. I have to say that I am handling this situation better than I imagined that I would. I thought that I might become closed off, have trouble getting out of bed, or avoid people. I thought that I would generally lose my spirit. I’ve found, though, that I feel pretty good. Sure, I have my moments of breakdown. My heart still hurts. But it isn’t as bad as I had anticipated. Perhaps it’s because I mourned the potential loss of Ethan so many times that when it actually happened, I was more prepared. I think I’d be feeling much worse right now if this had been an unexpected loss. We knew for months that there was a possibility that Ethan might not make it. Does that make the pain any less? No, not really. But it does take away some of the shock that can make it hard to begin the grieving process. Speaking of that, Keith and I decided (okay I decided, he just agreed to it ) that we should join a grief recovery group that was being offered at our church. It is a 12 week program, and last Tuesday was the first meeting. Initially I kind of debated joining because I have been feeling so strong lately that I didn’t necessarily think this would benefit me. But after listening to the facilitator speak and reading some chapters from our book, I’ve realized that I still am experiencing grief. It may not be outwardly obvious, but I am. I think this program will be good for me to not only deal with my grief over this loss, but also give me the tools to handle future losses that I will experience. And hopefully it will help me to better offer support to someone else experiencing a loss.
I decided this week that I am ready to go back to work. Originally I was planning on taking 6 weeks off, returning the week of August 16th. However, I’ve been feeling physically well and am getting sick of sitting around at home. So I’m going back this Monday. I think it will be good for me to get back into a normal routine again. I’ve missed the people I work with, who have been so supportive during all of this. I can’t say the same for TripTik routings, though! I tried to tell them that the doctor told me not to do TripTiks for awhile, but I don’t think that’s going to work…:) Those are our map routes that we do for customers. I was just beginning (key word beginning) to get the hang of them before I left, so I’m afraid I’ll be a little rusty! But I guess I’ll just have to get used to doing them again.
Thank you for all of the prayers and support you’ve all given to us as we grieve and begin to heal. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on how we’re doing, especially with the grief recovery program.

Love,
Ashley